Tips for Dealing with a Difficult Adversary

During your legal career, whether in litigation, at trial, or on appeal, you will invariably encounter a “difficult” adversary. For this article, “difficult” does not refer to exceptionally talented adversaries. Rather, it refers to attorneys who, for lack of a better word, are jerks. They are the lawyers who, among other things, file numerous and borderline frivolous motions, call you on a Monday morning or Friday evening screaming at you, and file lengthy and incoherent briefs that leave you wondering how to respond. Dealing with these jerks is taxing and time-consuming. Below are a few suggestions to make your experience as painless as possible.

1.    Remain calm, professional, and patient.

When dealing with difficult adversaries, never let them affect you in a manner that causes you to react emotionally and get into a confrontation with them. Doing so will only exhaust you and will not in any way achieve your objectives in a particular litigation.

Instead, realize the type of person with whom you are dealing. In some (or many) instances, difficult adversaries are covert or malignant narcissists. Importantly, narcissists lack empathy, have a grandiose sense of self, display a sense of entitlement and a need for admiration, and consistently manipulate reality to make themselves the “victim” in every situation. When you react emotionally to these jerks and get involved in their drama, you are providing them with narcissistic supply, or the attention that they crave. Once you do this, the cycle of narcissistic abuse never ends because at the root of their problem is insecurity, which fuels their constant need for validation.

As such, never make the mistake of arguing with these people. In all interactions, remain calm, professional, and patient, and never let your emotions show. Once a narcissistic adversary realizes that they cannot provoke you and thus use you to feed their need for attention and validation, they will mediate their behavior. Furthermore, treating your adversaries with respect, even when they are difficult, reflects maturity and good judgment.

2.    Be kind and try to find common ground.

Good people exhibit kindness, cooperativeness, and humility even when it is difficult. Being combative with your adversary will get you nowhere and make it harder to accomplish your objectives. Thus, regardless of how repulsive your adversary is, you should always remain focused on achieving your objectives in a particular case, not on the adversary.

Remaining kind and respectful in the face of a difficult adversary is likely to disarm the adversary and make cooperation and compromise more likely. As they say, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

3.    When necessary, draw boundaries and command respect.

In some situations, particularly when dealing with insufferable narcissists, kindness and patience may not work because an adversary will continue incessantly with their abusive behavior, such as by filing frivolous motions or constantly calling you to scream and yell about some “injustice” that has made them a victim once again.

If, despite your best efforts, this behavior continues, you should draw a boundary and make it clear to your adversary that you will not tolerate such nonsense. That does not mean getting into a confrontation with your adversary because that will likely exacerbate the problem and their behavior. Rather, firmly make clear that their behavior is unacceptable and take measures to draw necessary boundaries, such as by refusing to take their calls and notifying the court of the adversary’s recalcitrant behavior. Put simply, sometimes you must look the bully in the eye and say enough is enough. Knowing when to accommodate and when to be assertive is critical to ensure that your adversary will respect your boundaries. And be sure to document every interaction with your adversary because they can – and will – distort reality (and even lie) to achieve their goals and paint you in a bad light.

4.    Change your strategy.

In some circumstances, an effective way to deal with an adversary is to change your strategy and take a more calculated approach. Indeed, difficult adversaries are often controlling people who will seek to control their interactions and conversations with you. Do not allow them to do that. For example, reframe a legal or factual issue that the adversary raises with you. Identify areas of common ground with your adversary, which may lead to increased collaboration. Ask the adversary to explain the basis for specific discovery requests, and to identify the factual and legal basis for their arguments. And if the adversary continues to be difficult, such as by filing motions and misrepresenting the facts, do not be afraid to hit back with motions or discovery requests in which you expose their duplicity. As stated above, sometimes you must look a bully in the eye and say enough is enough.

5.    Talk to your adversary on the phone (or in person) rather than via email.

Some individuals, particularly difficult ones, use email to send lengthy messages that contain baseless accusations and invective. Certainly, it is easier to hurl insults at people when you are typing on a keyboard in the privacy of your office. But it is not so easy to do so over the phone or in person. So if the adversary sends you an offensive email, do not respond, especially not immediately, when your emotions may affect your rationality. Instead, think carefully about how you want to respond, and then call your adversary. That will enable you to engage in a dialogue, ask questions, and respond in a mature and conciliatory manner, which can increase the likelihood of collaboration and a favorable outcome.

6.    Remember that it is not about you.

Difficult adversaries can affect you emotionally and psychologically, and cause immeasurable stress, because their strategy is to make you believe that you have perpetuated some wrong or injustice, and in some instances to personally attack you. Remember that difficult people frequently, if not always, need to see themselves as the victim.

Never let these ridiculous tactics affect you. A difficult adversary’s behavior has absolutely nothing to do with you. Rather, it reflects their need for control. It results from their insecurity and emotional immaturity. Do not fall for this ridiculous behavior because if you do, you will play right into their hands.

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Sadly, most if not all lawyers will encounter jerks during their legal career. Knowing how to deal with these people will reduce the stress that they would otherwise cause you and keep you focused on achieving the best result for your client.