How to Write Badly: A Field Guide for the Aspiring Trainwreck

By Someone Who Has Definitely Never Done Any of These Things*

Appellate judges will tell you they like “clear,” “concise,” and “persuasive” writing. But let’s be honest—those are just the official rules. If you want your brief to stand out in the pile, you’ll need to master the fine art of writing badly.

Follow these time-tested techniques, and you can guarantee that your work will be memorable for all the wrong reasons.

1. Write for Yourself, Not the Court

Your audience is you. The judges are just eavesdropping. Fill your brief with tangents that fascinate you—childhood backstories, war stories from your own practice, or a mini-treatise on the 14th-century origins of your cause of action. If the judge can’t figure out what the case is about until page 4, you’ve done your job.

2. Hide the Ball

A boring writer gives away the issue on page one. You, on the other hand, will keep them guessing. If the court can’t figure out what relief you’re seeking until the last paragraph, you’ve done it right. Bonus points for a conclusion that says “For all the foregoing reasons, we respectfully request appropriate relief” without specifying what that is.

3. Pad Like You’re Billing by the Word

Replace “because” with “due to the fact that in light of the circumstances which have transpired.” Judges love hunting for verbs like pigs in search of truffles.

4. Make Paragraphs Optional

A page-long block of text builds endurance—judges’ eyes need exercise too. Avoid headings. Break only for lunch.

5. Footnote Your Heart Out

Vital facts? Hide them in footnotes. Your best legal argument? Footnote. Sarcastic jabs at opposing counsel? Definitely footnote. If the judge reads only the body text, they should have no idea what your case is about.

6. Use Latin. All the Latin.

Res ipsa loquitur. Quid pro quo. Mens rea. Quod erat demonstratum. Habeas corpus. Even if these have nothing to do with your case, sprinkling them in creates an aura of gravitas—much like wearing a powdered wig to court. Judges love feeling like they’re trapped in a nineteenth-century law review article.

7. Headnotes Are Law

Actually read the case? Pfft. Just lift the headnote that seems vaguely favorable and run with it. Context is for suckers.

8. Use Metaphors Liberally

Compare your client’s plight to Odysseus, Hamlet, and a penguin in mating season—preferably in the same sentence. The more tortured the analogy, the better.

9. Let the Emotion Flow

Call the opposing argument “laughable,” “offensive to common decency,” or “a cynical abuse of the legal system.” If you can work in “travesty,” “charade,” or “pernicious,” you’re cooking with gas.

10. Over-Emphasize

Italics are persuasive. Italics AND bold are more persuasive. Italics, bold, underline, ALL CAPS, and three exclamation points are UNIMPEACHABLE!!!

11. Proofreading Is for Amateurs

Typos? Misnumbered pages? Citation formats that look like you rolled your face across the keyboard? These show you’re too busy doing “real lawyering” to sweat the small stuff.

12. Let the Facts Meander

Chronology is overrated. Start in the middle of the story, jump to last week, back to 1997, and then—surprise!—a crucial fact from the pleadings shows up three pages after the argument ends.

13. Treat the Record Like a Suggestion

If the transcript doesn’t quite support your point, paraphrase creatively. Remember: appellate courts love imaginative interpretations of “what the witness really meant.”

Closing Thought
In the cutthroat world of appellate advocacy, you can try to be persuasive, or you can aim for immortality as a cautionary tale. If you follow the above steps, your brief may not win your case, but you might win a permanent spot in judicial training materials… under “Examples Not to Follow.”

*About the Author
The author has argued before multiple appellate courts and has never—not once—been called “unreadable” to his face. He firmly believes that clear, concise writing is overrated, and that judges secretly enjoy the thrill of navigating a 60-page brief to discover, in the final sentence, that the case was about a parking ticket all along.